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Take This Job

Nigel here. I saved a couple of tranquilizers from my tooth surgery and slipped them in to my two-legger’s coffee this morning, so I’m running the show today without the assistance of my keyboard monkey while he drools in a corner…kind of like me!

I heard through the grapevine that things got a little mushy around here Monday. Unacceptable. When I caught a whiff of the news it put me in a sour mood, and I had an instant craving for end table corners and pillow stuffing. I indulged.

So now I’ve been told I have to go to work to earn greenbacks and pay resprostitution. I know there’s a kitchen at the office, so it can’t be all bad. Let’s give it a shot.

This is promising! Everybody, say hello to David Copperfield. I know, you’re looking for poofy hair or a shiny shirt. No such luck, he’s in his metal box disguise. But make no mistake, it’s him. Every time I have stuffed a cat in one of those boxes it has disappeared. We’re only in the parking lot. This place rules.

Let me warn you now – it was a dark day and I was on the move a lot, so some of these pictures are blurry and you may have to click on a few of them to see everything. Then there’s that nasty flash. In other words, I need a better photographer.

Going up in the slacker box.
Best ride ever.

This place rocks. I just walked in the door and the ladies are showing up. I asked this one if she would race me to the copier. She said I was simple, and since that word has more than two syllables I know it means something good.

Bean counter.

This machine tells me how much it costs to send a cat to Albuquerque. It even makes the go away sticker. There is a God.

I’m going to try using this thing as a bun warmer. I’ll fax the results to that mouthy ankle biter down the street.

My two-legger likes to look at this giant map. He pointed at me and then at Kansas. I was born there. He was muttering something about a return policy.

Then he stuffed this million dollar bill in my collar and told me to buy a one way plane ticket to Ibiza. I blew it on chicken wings at Hooters and was back in an hour.

This is the IT department.
I was invited to leave after referring to it as the virgin cave.

A blank slate. My favorite.

New and improved.
The future looks delicious!

I conferencedย  ninety three of my dog friends from Facebook to report my projections. It was a giant party until the CEO walked by.

I was forced to hang up and bid farewell to my little friend.

I decided to swing by this place. The sign said HR.
I asked if that stood for hot redheads.

The response.
Would that be a no?

I ran pretty fast but the HR lady found me and got her claws in me.
She said some crap about political correctness and feelings.

I was sent to a corner with some required reading.
That would be the sexual harassment policy.

ย I had it filed under L for lame.

I played with toys for a while. This is the thing you use to attach your cat to the curtains for safekeeping.

I never did find out what this object of interest was called, so I’m going with nipple ring remover thingy.

Oh look, you get free water when you slave all day for the man. Just add bread and give me some bars to bang my tin cup on.

Crap. Trapped by a sales guy. Sales guys always have a lot of “personality”. This guy was only talking for twenty seconds before I told him he was going to have to get me some thumbs if I was going to keep the shovel going fast enough for him.

Apparently sales wankers don’t have much of a sense of humor. I was relegated to phone duty. A mile-long pedigree and I’m taking calls. That’s right people, I’m living the dream.

Once I offended enough callers I got to parade around the office with some signage. I think it says please inspect undercarriage.

Yeah, that’s what it says.

You can zoom in or out all you want, it’s still a giant joke. I was told that this would be my rate of pay.

I adjusted my output accordingly. In other words, game over.

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  1. Is Vermont north of Missouri? Like, even Ioway is pretty much too chilly for me. And you don’t got much furs. You must have sweaters too.


  2. Excellent blog, Nigel!!! Glogirly here.
    I found you after you stopped by my cat Katie’s blog. I’m going to have to keep this whole thing a secret…if Katie finds out I’ve started following a blog called Life With Dogs.. well I actually fear for my own safety. But you are just too funny, too clever to pass by just because of the whole dog thing. Thanks for making me laugh today.

  3. Nigel, this post had me laughing from the tranquilizers, all the way to the end! So funny!!
    So, what part of Kansas were you born in? I lived in Kansas City for 16 years, and still have close family there.
    Have a great day!

  4. Nigel, you make me tired just seeing all the work you had to do, for so little pay.

    You may want to keep this tucked in the back of your mind – if your two-legger utilizes that return policy and you ever find yourself back in Kansas-land, Ringo and the girls said you can live here – they get paid with home-made dog treats and they don’t really have too many jobs to do. They told me it’s not too awful bad here.

  5. Nigel you are so funny! Umm, could you send me one of those $1,000,000 bills please? I could buy some sheep to chase, and a field to chase them in!

    Emma Rose

  6. The corporate world is not ready for you, Nigel, trust me. Did you work it into your contract to have a golden fire hydrant and the golden parachute? From the list of office paraphanalia and its purposes, I would love to see you return, despite the pay, and give us the rundown on more stuff! Great day for us to view your first day!

  7. Nigel, this was soooooo funny in so many ways. You’re right on about the cats. David Copperfield must not like them, either. As for that sales guy, you don’t look too happy about him having his hands on you. You shoulda nipped his thumbs right then and there! Of course, the HR lady would have sent you to the corner to read another policy. Man, those HR folks just have no sense of humor. Regarding the pay, it needs to be more commensurate with your handsomeness factor!

    Thanks for sharing your day ‘at the office.’

    ‘Nuff work for one day.

  8. A billion dollars? Man, what kind of damage could you do with that? Hysterical and as Chester once noted, crash helmet needed for this post. No office could possibly be safe with you around!
    xo Sammie

  9. hello nigel its dennis the vizsla dog hay if a stowt fellow with glasses shows up asking abowt his staypler wot is in that wun pikcher yoo may want to giv it bak to him i hav it on gud awthority that he is seeryus wen he sez he wil burn down the bilding!!! ok bye

  10. This is beyond funny-I tried to stop reading for fear of getting fired but couldn’t stop. So much to comment on I don’t have room for here. Let me just say I have an identical nipple remover thingy right in front of me and never knew that was it’s original purpose. I am so glad you enlightened us all with your day at the office.
    Chester’s Mom

    Dude-take note of the dates on that minimum wage paper. They’re tryin’ to pay you last years rate. You were born to be kept and don’t let any 2 legger tell you any different!
    Chester ;0=)

  11. By the 2nd picture, I thought you were going to the hospital with Dad.
    Slacker Box, Virgin cave??? That’s the 1st I have heard of those…LOL!!
    Did you have to dance for that bill? It must have been a great one if so.
    The sexual harassment pic is my favorite. You look very confident in that shot.
    Nipple ring remover….OUCH!!
    Well I am surprised to not see a photocopy of your bum and back up band. However, looks like you got lots of love and attention in the work place which is probably more than your Dad can say on a daily basis.
    Thank you for documenting and sharing your outing with us. A very bright start to this very cloudy and gloomy day!

  12. Nigel, after reading your grrreat post, I had to take a nap. I woke up with huge screaming WARNING BELLS AND SIRENS going off in my head. Trust me on this one. That is NOT a ring remover thingy. I saw one at my V E T’S office. Steer clear, or you may not be the GUY you used to be!!!

  13. I notice that the biggest smile in any of those pictures was standing right next to the sexual harassment policy. Yeah…the place where you excel!

    So, here’s to making that one of the absolute best days any of them had at the office. Because I’m certain that you did. And, sending the cats? BRILLIANT!

    How much can one maniac dog be loved and admired? No answer to that question, so we’ll just have to stay tuned in for more!

  14. Attaching cats to the curtains?!!!…let’s just see you try that with me Nigel. Don’t think there’s a staple strong enough to hold this kitty!
    I live at the shop, so going to work is just part of my job! Nice tour!
    your cat pal,

  15. Nigel Nigel Nigel, I don’t know what about those “other” employees. You are certainly not among your peers. However, there are a couple of office machines that I could use. Do you suppose you could get your claws on one of those box sender things for me? I could just gather my Rodents and send them off to … Alaska. Loved the cat/bully stick chart. Excellent projection and business plan. Now about those dangerous corners that you “cut”. Don’t your two leggers realize that you were trying to save them some badly bruised shins???? Tisk Tisk They need to look at the BIG picture.

  16. That work place looks boring. Lots of dumb people saying many words. Blah, blah blah. And only one fun toy in the whole place. Sheesh.

    I think we have one of those cat attachers around here. Now if I can just find a cat…


  17. Nigel, you are quite right! Why would any dog get out of bed for such meagre wages – I mean it wouldn’t even keep you going in treats never mind fund your executive lifestyle.
    The only thing you should consider Nigel is expenses.
    In the UK we have discovered that provides a very lucrative income for many of our MP’s.
    Now our understanding is that you can claim on expenses to fund a second home – well you know one for the city and one for the country.
    Then there are all sorts of things like cleaning and gardening.
    Look into Nigel before you come to any final decisions.
    This would also allow you to pay less tax.
    We think you have the presence to take on an executive position.
    Martha & Bailey xxxx

  18. Nigel,

    Something tells me you might need to increase your productivity a bit if you have any hope of making the “restitution” your two-legger had in mind for you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    But nevertheless, I sure did enjoy reading this entertaining account of your first day within the corporate world!

  19. Nigel, don’t settle too quickly for the pay they are offering, you have so much to offer. They would be lucky to have you. Great cat suggestions. I have a few in the area that would fit nicely in that big box so they can go away forever. Thank you

    licks and sniffs, Sasha

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